One of the hardest parts of parenting is discipline. I cringe at some of the harsh and abusive discipline techniques some parents use. With a lot of time and effort, I have created a toolbox of gentler discipline techniques. I pick and choose the tool that works best at the moment and strive to use it fairly, kindly, and respectfully. The goal of discipline is to teach children positive behavior and personal responsibility. While I’m still learning and adding tools to my toolbox, I’ve put together twenty tools that you might find useful too.
1. Be realistic. Learn what realistic behavior is at each stage of development. For example, it is realistic to expect that preschool-age children often do not comply. Preschoolers are busy establishing their independence and are naturally going to test their limits and boundaries.
2. Keep anger out. It takes rational thinking to discipline fairly and kindly. When we get angry we think less rationally. The angrier we feel, the less rational we think and behave. When we are angry, we have a tendency to hurt our children emotionally and/or physically. Instead of acting out in anger, take time to cool down. You might say, “I need some time to calm down. When I’m ready, we’ll talk about what just happened.” If the child is angry, wait for him to calm down before talking about the misbehavior.
3. Withdraw from power struggles. When I find myself and my son in a power struggle for control, I emotionally remove myself from the power struggle and offer two options. My son maintains some power by being able to choose and I maintain some control by choosing the options my son can choose from.
4. Get to the bottom of the matter. Often one of my children will start acting out to get attention, even if it ends up being negative attention. I need to give them more positive attention before they do something undesirable to get it. Other reasons for bad behavior include being tired, hungry, lonely, or bored. Once I know what my child needs, I can help meet the need and prevent negative behavior.
5. Praise often. Offer encouragement and praise, often, to build your child’s self-esteem and shape desirable behavior. Some examples of things you can say include: “I bet you’re proud of yourself for doing that all by yourself.” or “I like how you remembered to brush your teeth.”
6. Choose battles. I choose my battles. Some battles are not worth fighting. One battle I don’t mind getting into is what my son wears (for example, two different colored socks). I could make some suggestions on what to wear, but usually it doesn’t matter and they are happy to gain some independence by choosing their own outfits.
7. Use natural or parent-created consequences. If my son doesn’t want to wear a coat on a cold day, I’ll say, “Okay. How about I bring it in case he’s cold?” When he’s cold, my son inevitably chooses to wear it. This is an example of a natural consequence. Naturally, when one chooses not to wear a coat on a cold day, he gets cold. If there is no obvious natural consequence, I invent a consequence. For example, “Only people with clean hands may dine.”
8. Prevent problems from happening. It’s a good idea to prevent problems from happening in the first place. For example, if I don’t want my son to suck on lollipops at home, I don’t keep lollipops at home.
9. Focus on Can-Do. When I tell my son what he can’t do, I try to explain to him what he can do.
10. Distract. When my son is headed for trouble, I try to divert my son’s attention in another direction.
11. Separate for a while. When my son isn’t playing well with a friend, I separate them for a while. If my son is being naughty with me, I say, “I need a break from you. How about you stay in this room for a while and I stay in the other room? When we’ve both calmed down, we can stay.” together in the same room.”
12.Account. Sometimes I count “One, two, three…”. to give my son time to comply. For example, if it’s time to leave somewhere, I can count to three. If my child refuses to leave the location, I physically move my child to the location we are going to.
13.Model. I frequently use manners with my children and they learn how and when to use them by listening to me. My daughter’s teacher has commented on how polite she is on several occasions.
14. Make a deal. Listen to the other side and make a deal to show that you really care how your child feels. For example, “I heard you want to read the long book tonight. I’m really tired. How about we read this short book tonight and the long book in the morning?”
15. Use eye contact. Get down on the child’s level and talk face to face about what is fair and right to do. There is nothing like looking directly into each other’s eyes for both father and son to be fair and honest.
16. Teaching Morales. It is up to us to teach our child what is right and what is wrong. Once your child has learned morality, he will feel inside if something is right or wrong. We can teach our son to pay attention to his instincts.
17. Using privileges and rewards. Privileges and treats work well for us. Examples include: “If you don’t brush your teeth right now, we won’t be able to see your friends this morning.” “After putting on your shoes, you can have a snack.” “If you don’t stop screaming, you won’t be able to watch a video tonight.”
18. Apologize. Say sorry”. I apologize to my children when I make a mistake. They also apologize. Sometimes I need to step in and ask them to apologize to others when they make a mistake.
19. Show house rules. Here’s a nice poem to put on your fridge: “If you use it, hang it. If you drop it, pick it up. If you eat it, wash it. If you spill it, wipe it up. If you turn it on, you turn it off. If you open it, you you close. If you move it, you put it back. If you break it, you fix it. If you empty it, you fill it. If it cries, you love it.”
20. Time out. If my son is really misbehaving, I say, “We don’t do that. Sit here.” I stand behind my son for a few minutes to make sure he sits in a seat facing a blank wall. When I think the child is calm and ready to behave better, I say, “You can get up once you’re ready to behave.”
Good discipline is one of the ways we show love for our children. We take the time and effort to help them learn and grow to be fair, kind, respectful, and responsible people. They will certainly challenge us but it is part of the parenting job. They deserve our best efforts to discipline them well.