Anyone who has the privilege of mingling with teenagers, whether as a parent or teacher, will realize that it can be challenging. As a high school teacher with over 30 years of experience and the father of four children, all teenagers in the same year, I know something about that.
We tend to give teenagers a lot of advice, but what they really need from the authority figures in their lives is more of a coaching in the form of
- affirmation,
- breath and
- unconditional love.
This is not to say that, like a teacher in a classroom facing a rebellious and unruly crowd, or a parent trying to punish his children for the termination of their natural life, discipline is out of the question, just it has to be administered in an affirming, encouraging and loving way.
If your natural behavior is to be fair, listening, kind, and compassionate, then discipline is more graciously accepted. One student, for example, shook my hand at the end of a lesson during which I had disciplined him. He’ll even find that some potential confrontations just won’t happen.
I wasn’t always a positive teacher, a Christian teacher, yes, but I didn’t always apply Christian principles to my daily teaching style. When I did and applied the three principles mentioned, the results were amazing.
We all need to be affirmed, but this is particularly true for those in their teen years when it’s all about hormones, confusion, having friends (losing friends), and being cool. Throw in a few chores for the week ahead and keep your room tidy (easier for naturally finicky teens but next to impossible for others) and it all gets a bit much sometimes.
Affirming adolescents is giving an honest assessment of their innate value and abilities. All of us are marvelously and marvelously made in the image of God. Everyone has unique talents and abilities.
Some talents and abilities are more obvious than others, for example a great singer or an academic, but everyone has some gift. Take advantage of every opportunity to build up your teens. Once, after congratulating a student on a terrific performance in a school singing contest, another student asked, “Was I terrific too?” I assured her that she was and I could see by her smile that she believed it.
At the school where I last worked, a student told me after I described her work as amazing that everyone appreciated any encouragement they received. Each student had a journal not only to record important events and assignments, but also had a section where teachers could write good comments (merits) and bad comments (demerits). Although there was only one line assigned to each merit, I got into the habit of writing multiple lines for each one that included words like “brilliant,” “amazing,” “best,” and “stunning.”
It was a great way to pass on compliments and encourage students. Written and verbal encouragement was always well received by the third and fourth year students: smiles, greetings and expressions of gratitude were common.
What happens when you offer God’s unconditional love to teenagers? I found that the response was so remarkable that several people, including the school counselor, suggested that I write something about connecting with teens.
Of course this is not the same as being a doormat. The kind of love I’m referring to here is the “I’ll love you no matter how you behave, but I’ll discipline you if you misbehave” type. What I found, however, was that when children knew they were accepted and loved, affirmed and encouraged, the need for discipline lessened. One student summed it up with the comment that because I always saw the best in her (over a period of six years), she never bothered me.
Does this mean that I never had a discipline problem in the classroom? Of course not, but it meant there weren’t many unnecessary battles to be fought.
Affirmation, encouragement and unconditional love are an unbeatable combination in any relationship and especially when connecting with teenagers.