Opening words
Gay culture highlights youth, muscle, and good looks as valuable assets and commodities when it comes to sexuality and relationships. All you have to do is turn the pages of your favorite gay newspaper or magazine (which doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual in nature) and you’ll be distracted by photographs and advertisements of attractive men with chiseled bodies that ooze sex appeal to arouse the senses. Or log on to any dating or personals site on the Web and you will find plenty of men who demand youthfulness and robust masculine good looks as personal requirements on their profiles to even consider corresponding or chatting with them.
The harsh reality of the global gay community and society in general is that physical attractiveness is considered a significant value and those who fit the mold of how this description is defined are admired and rewarded with social privileges and positive reinforcement. This isn’t to say that being a “hottie” is all it’s great for…they can struggle in the dating realm and are often pigeonholed with superficialities or viewed solely as sex objects. Dating difficulties for the “very good looking” (VGL) could be a whole separate article! But many times it can be a different experience for those who don’t embrace the redeeming qualities or status bestowed on those labeled “beautiful” by cultural standards.
So what if you are a single gay man who might be lower on the “attractiveness scale” because of your physical appearance, your age, your weight, or because you may have a disability? You may feel like your value in the gay community means nothing and it can undermine your confidence in your dating endeavors…but only if you let it! This article will offer some ideas and tips to help the average or not-so-average gay navigate through the sometimes cruel dating waters of the gay community to maximize their success as single men in their search for the perfect man. This isn’t meant to be a Pollyanna approach to the situation because the cold reality is that it’s sadly more challenging and competitive for those who don’t necessarily fit the “VGL” prototype. But it’s not a lost cause either! As you will see, developing and accessing the positive self-esteem and sense of sensuality that we all embody, no matter who we are or what we look like, goes a long way toward attracting the attention and affection of a significant other.
Top 10 Dating Tips and Guidelines for the Gay Average Citizen and Their Compatriots
1. Give off those good vibes
I get a handful of letters from men expressing their disdain for not having a chance with other men because they feel like they don’t “measure up” in the looks department. While it’s true in many cases that an attractive face can draw attention and “catch” more quickly, don’t underestimate the power of your personality and presentation. Many men who feel jaded and frustrated by their unsuccessful dating efforts tend to inadvertently give off a negative vibe in their interactions with others. They wear their hopelessness on their faces and in their body language and end up sabotaging themselves because people can smell this kind of negativity from a mile away and will shy away from making contact, reinforcing the sense of alienation they feel and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if you’re not feeling particularly brave, work hard to make sure you’re projecting a positive image and energy of yourself. It’s all in how you behave. While a handsome man may turn heads, there is nothing more magnetic than a man with a jovial spirit and a great sense of humor. He makes you want to meet him.
2. Confidence is exciting
In the same way, there is nothing sexier than a man who exudes inner strength, confidence and self-assurance. He shows that he has his life in order and enjoys being alive. Even if he is shy about his appearance, he is confident in something, anything! And then don’t be shy about it. By feeling proud of yourself and/or his accomplishments and then finding ways to express that confidence intrinsically and through your actions and behavior, men can’t help but take notice.
3. Repeat after me — “I’m a good catch!”
Attractive men, inside and out, possess a healthy dose of positive self-esteem. They like who they are and recognize that their value does not depend on their appearance. They have many other parts to themselves that make them who they are. The cliché statement, “You must love yourself before anyone else can” is very true. Negativity and pessimism repel men, so start working immediately to counter any negative self-talk and recognize the unique talents and gifts you possess that make you a good person and a good date. Internalize the affirmation: “I’m a catch!” and start acting like one instead of concentrating on your unfulfilled appointment card. You become more attractive to men when you believe in yourself and consider yourself a quality boyfriend.
4. Unattractive Redefined
So you don’t think you’re attractive enough? Mistaken! Everyone has something about them that is attractive. Take advantage of what is attractive about you and recognize what is really ugly: ignorance, superficiality, mistreatment by your gay brothers in any shape or fashion, low confidence, self-debasement, arrogant attitudes, excessive and superficial focus on physical appearance, depression, etc. These are the things that are the epitome of unattractiveness and will make men run in the opposite direction. Instead of focusing on appearance, try to work on identifying any personal “undesirables” you may possess and work aggressively to eliminate them from your personality and demeanor to catapult you toward sophistication and interpersonal intelligence.
5. If you can’t beat them, join them
Being an “Average Youth” in boy/boy relationships tends to be more challenging than our lesbian and straight counterparts because men are more visual creatures. While women may traditionally be more likely to “overlook” physical attributes for more substantial qualities, men in general are more tuned in and turned on by what they see. Invest in your health and your body by exercising and eating well, getting enough rest and relaxation, and integrating more wellness into your lifestyle. Not only will you take better care of yourself, but secondly, you could add more appeal to the male trend towards visuals with your healthier appearance. Nice clothes, a modern haircut and stylish accessories can also help to attract attention. Accentuate your look with things that speak to your unique style and personality. Men are competitive by nature, so standing out in an authentic and genuine way can go a long way toward getting the right kind of attention from the right kind of men who will appreciate those particular attributes.
6. Embrace a sense of gay pride
Many men, average or not, struggle with dating due to issues with their sexual identity and masculinity. Internalized homophobia and common male deficits in dealing with feelings and sensitivity can be huge barriers to attracting and maintaining healthy intimate relationships. These things can get in the way of becoming more emotionally intimate. A gay man who is proud of his homosexuality and is not afraid to express this part of his identity adds a whole new element to the definition of attractiveness. Having good social skills, emotional intelligence, and effective communication skills are additional assets in attracting the right type of men you may be looking for.
7. Stop the comparison game
Another symptom of the “Average Young Man” syndrome is that these men commonly compare themselves to other men and critically judge themselves on how well they “measure up” to guys like Adonis. This is extremely counterproductive because it is unfair to compare an aspect of oneself (appearance) with another person’s physical appearance. We have to look at the whole person, the whole package. There are some very visually pleasing guys who are very unattractive in spirit and personality. Stop objectifying yourself and others and stop being prejudiced by seeing things as “good enough” in only one capacity or human trait.
8. Different styles for different people
Never forget the fact that not everyone is attracted to the model guy or porn star type. Everyone has different attractions, tastes, and preferences in men. While it may feel like you’re in the minority most of the time, it’s important to have faith that there really is someone for everyone and it’s been a bit more difficult to find the right time, situational contexts, and geographic locations to put the two of you together.
9. Bring out the sexiness factor!
Every human being on this planet is and has the capacity to be sexy, no matter what they look like. If you can harness this feeling, it will radiate and captivate people (figuratively, and sometimes literally too!). A good heart and a healthy mind are totally sexy. If you can integrate all of these tips into your repertoire and express them, people will be drawn to your energy. As “The Law of Attraction” says… you will attract what you put out there. When you feel good about yourself and what you have to offer, and can translate that into your mood, spirit, and behavior, your attractiveness to others will increase. While looks can certainly be a component, sexiness is really about attitude. If you give yourself permission to access and release it, it really can be a magnet for men.
–and in conclusion–
10. Live life to the fullest!
Finally, and most important of all, live your life! Stop thinking about your appearance and don’t make your happiness depend solely on your love life. Make the most of what you have, develop your inner resources and social skills, and enjoy your life. Recognize the things you do that you have no control over and practice the art of self-acceptance. By de-emphasizing your appearance and channeling those energies into living a fulfilling life, you will definitely live with more meaning and passion that will likely bring you more good news. Your inner beauty and magnetism will shine through when you have fun living your life. You are beautiful!
© 2008 Brian L. Rzepczynski
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