There are so many relationship and marriage articles that can make your head spin: how to communicate with your husband even if he’s a complete jerk; The 72 secrets of lasting love, even when she can’t bear to look at you; 13 fun ways to increase intimacy after her spouse has been deported.
But what if you are in a strong and happy relationship and have absolutely no interest in improving your marriage? And that? Where do you turn? Where are the articles for people like you? Or maybe you’re itching to tear your relationship down so it’s more in line with the rest of the couples on your block. After all, it’s no fun being the golden couple in a sea of mediocre relationships. Enough of all the self-proclaimed relationship “experts” telling you that it’s possible to recapture your teenage passion with the bald-bellied snorer who’s been sawing at your side for the past thirty-five years.
Healthy relationships like yours have been neglected for far too long. But that is about to change! here are three guaranteed steps that will take the life and vitality out of your relationship in a matter of days. (Please note: Using these methods for more than three days may lead to an increase in name calling, profanity, door slamming, and frantic calls to Vito and Vito’s legal team.)
Step 1:
The “I doubt it” technique. No matter what your partner says, respond with the phrase “I doubt it.” Every time new communication methods designed to enhance Intimacy is practiced, couples report considerable difficulty in using the new skills in a consistent and reliable manner. They typically report that the methods feel too unnatural or artificial.
Not so with the “I doubt it” technique. Most couples report that speaking in this way feels 100% natural, and couples seem very eager to practice this skill. Here are some examples of this technique in action:
Q: “Can you pick up the kids later?” A: “I doubt it.”
Q: “I have something important to discuss. Can we talk later?” A: “I doubt it.”
Q: “Honey, do you still find me attractive?” A: “I doubt it.”
Step 2:
After two days of using the “I doubt it” technique, you are ready for step two.
The Inappropriate Laughter Technique (ILT). The ILT takes practice. If you don’t already have one, you’ll need to develop a loud laugh. This technique will only work if your partner thinks you are seriously laughing at him or her. Many people report practicing while driving to and from work.
The ILT should be used in two specific sets of circumstances:
A) Every time your partner dresses or undresses in front of you;
B) Whenever your partner tries to communicate something of importance.
For example:
Here’s what your partner says: “I felt like you were being unfair when you said I don’t do enough around the house.”
This is what your partner’s statement looks like when you add the ILT: “I felt [HA!] you were being unfair [HA! HA!] when you said no [HEE!] do enough at home [HA! HA! HO! HO!].”
Isn’t that better? Now your partner can’t even make their own serious statement without interruptions, and you’re having fun in the process, too. Feel free to encourage this approach by improvising. Try leaning forward while holding your stomach with each laugh; it really intensifies the effect.
Step 3:
Diary of ingratitude. This one requires the most effort on your part, but gives a lot for your money. Some preparation time is needed. Try to let go of all the things you love and appreciate about your partner. Then, reflect on all the ways your partner gets under your skin – focus your attention on how he annoys you, irritates you, and annoys you. Visualizing your partner’s undesirable habits increases the effectiveness of this exercise by forcing you to relive all the ways you feel exasperated by him/her.
For example, an entry might look like this: God, I hate the way he chews. I mean, I’d rather see a crow gouge a dead squirrel’s eye out. I don’t think he can eat near her anymore.
For maximum effect, it is recommended that you keep a journal and add it to the list. This will help you become more in tune with the ways in which your partner’s behavior irritates you. An added benefit of keeping an ungrateful journal is that you’ll start to overlook all the kind, generous, and thoughtful things your partner does for you.
There you go. A solid, foolproof way to kick your relationship behind the knees so that it falls flat on its face. You will be surprised how fast and effective these methods are. You can thank me later.