For most relationships, breaking up in person is the most appropriate and respectful way to end. If it has been a long relationship and you are able to express yourself freely with your partner, you must show them the courtesy and respect of breaking up face to face.
However, circumstances sometimes dictate that the break be made in writing. For example, a breakup letter might be appropriate if:
- Your partner tends to behave violently or to commit physical or verbal abuse.
- Your partner did something to violate you or betray your trust (like cheating on you) and you no longer want to interact with them
- You have tried to break up in the past and your partner refuses to listen or lets you speak freely.
- Your partner refuses to receive you or take your calls
- It is a long distance relationship and you cannot see or call them.
Things to consider …
If you are considering writing a breakup letter because you lack the courage to face it, try to muster the willpower to do it in person. As long as the situation is not threatening, it is the best way to go. While it’s difficult to deliver bad news and make someone angry or cry, writing it down can seem disrespectful and avoidant.
However, if you’ve been avoiding breaking up because you’re dreading the face-to-face meeting, stop lingering and write to them! Better to break it up ASAP, even if it means via letter or email, so that both of you can get on with your lives. Some people spend months or even years avoid a break out of fear; Get it in writing if that’s the only way you can!
Also, if you have trouble expressing yourself in person, you may want to write a breakup letter and then give it to your partner while you are with him or her; there is nothing wrong with that.
I should note that while email tends to feel less personal, it is sometimes the best option if time or distance is an issue.
How to write a “Dear John” or “Dear Jane” letter:
Step 1: Why am I writing?
After his “Dear [Partner], “Explain that you regret not being able to speak face-to-face, but circumstances made it necessary. You may want to let them know why you were unable to cope. For example, if you are afraid of a backlash, feel too guilty, or just don’t want to see them again, just say so. Tell them you know they will want to hear this information as soon as possible and that this is the best way to do it.
Step 2: Why am I going ahead
Tell them that you have decided to end the relationship. You may want to explain why, or it could be obvious to both of you (eg cheating). Focus on yourself and how you feel, and try not to dwell on your ex’s faults.
If there is no clear reason, you could say that although you appreciate their positive qualities, the relationship is not working for you. Express that you’ve enjoyed your time together, but now you know it’s time to move on. Let them know that you will have good memories (if true).
Step 3: “Get help”
If your relationship was affected by your ex’s unhealthy behavior (eg, cheating, substance abuse, violence), you may want to express how that affected you. You can recommend that they get help and wish them well. Repeat that you know it’s time for you to move on and that even if he or she changes for the better, your decision remains.
Step 4: Possibly friends?
While I don’t recommend bringing up friendship, if you want to remain open to the possibility of friendship, you can. Usually this isn’t a good idea, but it’s okay sometimes, especially when you were friends first. You can let them know that you both need time to heal, but there is the possibility of a future friendship.
Step 5: Your decision is final
If you don’t want to be left with any chance of getting back together, tell him that you are sure of your decision to separate and ask him to respect it. If you don’t want to hear from them again, let them know that the calls, visits, and correspondence are no Welcome. Remind them that you don’t want to spend any more time talking about what went wrong and that you are moving on with your life.
Step 6: Apologize
If you did something to hurt your ex, especially if you cheated on or lied to, apologize as sincerely as possible. However, as advice columnist Dan Savage puts it, “All relationships fail until you stop,” so don’t blame yourself simply because your relationship didn’t “succeed.”
Step 7: “All the best …”
Wish your partner the best. If you wish, you can inform them that they will contact you at a certain email address in the future, but remind them that now is the time to heal. Although it may be difficult, avoid ending the letter with “Love, [Your name]. “
Remember: Focus on the task at hand: Ending the relationship, without analyzing it. Also, avoid mentioning that you love them, even if it’s true. Mentioning your love for them will only confuse them and give them hope, so avoid it.
Finally, If you are a man in an unhealthy relationship and have a hard time leaving, or if you know such a man, check out my breakup manual for men who feel stuck. For female readers, if you know a man who is stuck with a clingy, overly jealous, or unstable woman, visit my site and see if the e-book is right for him.