Do you have trouble apologizing? Does your partner complain that you never apologize? Are you upset because he always seems to be giving in or making amends while you don’t budge and never seem to be wrong, even if you both know you are?
Our inability to apologize is very problematic. We can appear indifferent, insensitive and cold. And it prevents us from repairing any damage we have caused in our relationship, robbing both our partner and ourselves of healing, intimacy, and closeness.
Usually, our inability to apologize is mixed up with old, unconscious and unhealthy underlying beliefs gold mentalities that get in the way of being able to approach our loved ones in a sincere way. Aside from spoiling our external relationships, they are often indicators of our own spoiled internal relationships towards our Self.
See if these thought patterns fit you, and then note what the runaway belief about Self (or others) is in the parentheses.
You think:
1. “I don’t have to apologize because you should:
- I know I didn’t mean that
- just get over it
- accept me as I am?
(So you have a sense of merit and right that makes it difficult for you to have a healthy relationship with others).
2. “If you loved me, would you automatically forgive me?”
(Then show irresponsibility and emotional immaturity for healthy relationships to flourish.
3. “Nothing I do will undo the damage I’ve caused you; no matter what I say, can’t I make it right?”
(Your easy surrender to a feeling of impotence usually comes from their previous experiences at the hands of people who were unforgiving or ruthless)
4. “You’ll never forgive me, why should I try?”
(You collapse in despair which allows you to free yourself from trying again learned in other experiences such as impotence above. You see yourself as the constant victim when in reality you may be the perpetrator of the injuries.)
5. “It’s weak to apologize.”
(You learned not trust others And be invulnerable-at some point in your life you probably had to cut your compassion towards others because you had to cut your own pain).
You can see how crippling these thoughts, behaviors and mindsets can be, towards you, towards your partner, and how devastating they can be to your relationship.
Do you want to have a more useful mindset?
Here are 3 things you can do to encourage healing in yourself and others. It requires you to expand emotionally so that you can contain your own feelings and at the same time have space for someone else’s feelings. This is a sign of emotional maturity and flexibility and it is the hallmark of healthy relationships.
- Encourage the hurt person to open up to you and tell you how much they hurt. Don’t wait for them to talk about it first. Find out and then take responsibility for how you inflicted the damage.
- Face the music, witness the pain you caused, and express your feelings about their feelings. Don’t ask the hurt person to bury their pain because their pain makes you uncomfortable. (Feeling uncomfortable is a good thing for you…it keeps you from doing the hurtful behavior over and over again.)
- Be brave and bold by enduring your own anxiety and guilt over your hurt feelings.
The guilt paradox:
Apologizing is hard for many of us because guilt and remorse is one of the hardest emotions to bear as a human. The good news is that we often feel guilt and remorse in direct proportion to the amount of love we feel, the amount of pain we have caused, and the severity of the offense.
Experiencing guilt not only prevents us from repeating the acts, but it restores our humanity, especially when we recognize the degree of love that lies underneath. Guilt can be a very complicated emotion to deal with, so if you find yourself consumed by guilt or avoiding your guilt, it may be a sign that more specific and individualized work is needed.
If you’re having trouble with apologies, if your relationship is suffering because you can’t or won’t apologize, or you find that someone you love is struggling to forgive you, and you can’t seem to get over the pain, seek help from a trained and qualified couples. or marriage counselor or other mental health specialist who specializes in healthy relationships.