10. PRETTY LIPS – Aptly named after the infamous Saint, Celebrity, Superstar, Queen of the World, Angelina Jolie, this device is no ordinary lip gloss or shot that plumps up your lips. It’s a lip pump that claims to dramatically increase lip size without costing you a fortune!
I think: B+, not bad!
PROS:
- It actually plumps the lips to about 1.5 times the natural size.
- Lasts from 1 to 5 hours
- Good alternative if you can’t afford lip injections.
- More dramatic than bulky lip glosses.
CONS:
- temporary effect
- Lip injections can greatly increase the size of the lips for a fuller, sexier pout, and they last for months.
- Bruises around the lips if you suck frequently; it may look like she did something very wrong or someone punched her in the face.
9. NOOGLE BERRIES – Another bomb! But this one is for your breasts! The quirkier little sister to the BRAVA system (which doesn’t work quite as well, by the way), this device has some devoted followers who claim that using the noogleberry daily for several hours a day—or noogling—has enlarged their chests. cup size from AA to D! (cue: jaw drops to the floor) Yes, you read that correctly: an AA to a D cup.
To all you guys out there: Noogleberry has a penis pump too!
I think: Works!
PROS:
- Breast size can be drastically increased (more than 3 cup sizes)
- The effect is long-lasting: it can last for days, weeks, or even months if you stop pumping (although it may shrink a bit).
- There is no need for a boob job, meaning no knives or injections.
- Much cheaper than a boob job
CONS:
- Time consuming: You must be doing noogs several hours a day, every day; and you won’t sleep very well if you wear it at night
- Temporary – The effect will slowly wear off, but you will still have a larger cup size than you started with; boob jobs are permanent
- It can cause pain in the area around the breast, especially if it is thin.
- The cups cause a red line around your breasts, for some this is long-lasting
8. Frown – Ha ha! Finally, botox in a box! These facial patches can be applied to the skin to reduce wrinkles. Just wet your skin and apply the patch!
I think: C+, not so good.
PROS:
- Works Moderately Well: For those wrinkles that have just formed or are minimal, these work. They can also prevent the appearance of wrinkles.
- No injections, knives, pain or cranes involved
- Much cheaper than botox (meaning you don’t have to sell a kidney to maintain it)
CONS
- The effects are temporary, obviously they don’t last for months like botox.
- You need to wear them for at least 3 hours. I mean, seriously, who wants to walk around with a Band-Aid on like something…or show up in bed with someone wearing these? Honey, do you have wrinkles? Very sexy…
- It doesn’t work as well as botox, especially if you have deep wrinkles, don’t waste your money.
7. THE SECRET OF THE NOSE – Can’t afford rhinoplasty? No problem! Nose Secret can fix it! These nose clips claim to be an “instant nose fix that works!”
I think: C, skip it.
PROS
- It works for some noses ie drooping, you can lift your nose up.
- Cheaper than rhinoplasty
CONS
- Doesn’t sit well – slips
- Rhinoplasty offers a more permanent and refined alteration to your nose
- It could damage or cause pain to your boogar barrier, also known as your nose.
6. TUNG BRUSH – This baby claims to cure bad breath. Quite a big claim there, honey. But seriously, bad breath or not, everyone should clean their tongues.
I think: A-, Get it, for hygiene’s sake.
PROS:
- Clean your tongue well
- It can eliminate odors coming from the tongue.
- It comes with a gel to use on the tongue as well.
CONS:
- I mean, technically, you could use a toothbrush on your tongue and not have bad breath.
- The bristles may be too stiff for some people.
5. SPONGE ROLLERS – Say goodbye to the damaging effects of heat on your mane and say hello (or meow! with a sex kitty purr) to your seductive and *healthy* new hair.
I think: So baby!
PROS:
- Keeps hair healthy, without the damaging effects of heat.
- Rollers of different sizes give different effects: wavy, very tight curls or just voluminous hair.
CONS:
- It can be a bit uncomfortable to sleep
- It is not an instant styler.
4. CREAM FOR HEELS AND ELBOWS GLYTONE ULTRA – Forget pumice stones and other prehistoric products used on your precious tripe. This cream gives those tools a run for their money.
I think: A+, works brilliantly!
PROS:
- Easy to use: just apply the cream after washing your elbows and heels with soap
- Works! Your skin will become smooth, supple and callus free.
- No need for additional products, you can literally use this in place of a moisturizer, scrub, and pumice stone.
CONS:
- It can cause skin burns, cracks, or dryness, so be careful not to overuse.
3. MUAC PEELING – Glycolic acid, lactic acid, mandelic acid, trichloroacetic acid – the name of the acid, MUAC has it. Acid peels are every celebrity and millionaire’s secret to beautiful, glowing skin. Now you can have it at a cheap price without going to the salon!
I think: A+, there is nothing better than peeling out there!
PROS:
- Work wonderfully – follow the instructions and you will get great results.
- They give you a lot of product for your money – they deliver enough product to keep you peeling for months
- Cheap, especially compared to what you would have to pay at the salon.
- You don’t have to leave your house, you can do these peels whenever you want, wherever you want.
CONS:
- Can really burn your skin – these peels are no joke (some of them only need to be left on for a minute, tops), so follow the instructions carefully.
2. AERIOLA DYE – Doesn’t your aeriola have the perfect shade of pretty pink? Well, don’t worry, just put on some Benifit Balm and it will give color to your aeriola.
I think: B, Some people need it, others don’t.
PROS
- Interesting product: If someone is really unhappy with their aeriola color, it’s nice to know that a product like this exists.
- Cheaper than tattooing your private parts
- Nothing for bread
CONS
- Temporary
- not pigmented enough
1. MY NEW BUTTON PINK LIP STAIN– Finally, the #1 product you didn’t know you needed: My New Pink Button Lip Stain. This easy-to-use product claims to “restore the youthful rosy color to your lips.” With 3 different colors cheekily named Marilyn, Bette, Audry, and Ginger, you’re sure to take a little offense at the sexism and racism this product projects.
I think: B+, it works, and I don’t care if you think I’m shallow for using it, I like having my options.
PROS
- Works! My lips are a pretty pink button!
- Claims to be safe for use in your private area
- I bet it might work on your aeriola too.
- Variety: This product represents American culture; you can buy it if you want, and it’s nice to know that you have the option to change the color of your lips
- Different colors: Marilyn is the lightest, Audry is a “bold burgundy pink,” Bette is for “chic black-tie affairs,” and Ginger was “developed for women of color.”
CONS
- Security can’t really be guaranteed – it’s a relatively new product, so it’s a wait and see situation.
- You don’t need it (but again, it’s nice to know there’s an option)
- It can project sexism (besides doing makeup, waxing, waxing, waxing, do we also have to tint our lips?) and racism (aren’t darker lips pretty?)
Be sure to check out some of my other items!