Anger is a normal and healthy emotion, it is perfectly healthy to feel angry when someone you love has mistreated or wronged you, but when anger becomes constant or explosive or gets out of control, it can have serious consequences for your marriage. your health and your mood.
If you’re the moody one in your relationship, it may feel like it’s out of your hands, it’s your nature, and there’s little you can do about it. But you have more control over your anger than you think. Once you know WHY you or your spouse save it, you can look at different ways to approach it. This is what I will share with you today, so that you can save your marriage and avoid divorce.
Why anger exists and persists in marriage – Marriage Counseling
1. PUNISH AND JUSTICE
People store their anger in order to punish someone, either with their bad attitude or with their angry actions, and by doing so they feel that life is fairer. The anger mindset is “If they did something wrong to me, it’s unfair that they didn’t get punished.” But if you punish someone with your anger or your bad attitude, you are only creating more punishment for yourself, since it does not feel good to act without love or to be spiteful. Guilt often follows angry outbursts, and guilt is a horrible feeling.
The key to remember is that it is not our role to create punishment for others, especially our spouses, that anger does not make things fair…
2. TO TEACH THEM THE LESSON, SO THEY WILL NOT DO IT AGAIN
The second reason many people have anger is because they want to teach their spouse a lesson so they won’t do it again. A form of retaliation for behavior they did in an effort to prevent the same thing from happening. The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t work.
If you look at your own life, let’s say you do something you’re not proud or happy about and you get mad at yourself and feel guilty about it, you might feel terrible inside but nothing changes, right?
Let’s say you eat too much fried or sugary food, spend too much, drink too much at a party, or do something you don’t like. Being angry with yourself doesn’t help you, it makes you feel worse, which in turn can lead to more unhealthy behaviors. If you really want to change, you need positive motivators for lasting results, no blame or anger, and find a replacement for habits and anger management. This is how you change behavior. The same applies to your marriage. Getting angry won’t help them change and it certainly won’t help their marriage.
If you are kind and compassionate to your spouse, you have a much better chance of influencing him than if you are angry, and he is less likely to turn on you. The next time someone hurts you, showing compassion and explaining the impact on you and your feelings will be much more effective in changing behavior.
3. GET WHAT THEY WANT
Another reason we get angry in relationships is because of the FALSE belief that if we get angry we will get what we want. The mentality is “if I get mad, they’ll do what I want” or “if I scare them, they’ll back off.” This is using anger as a form of manipulation, to get something that doesn’t help save your marriage. causes hostility, anguish and pain.
We tend to learn this from our role models growing up, parents, teachers and other elders we look up to, often at some point they got mad at us so we behaved and did what they wanted us to do. This is a disaster for a marriage, true power comes not from intimidation, but from positive influence; otherwise, all you will achieve is disrespect and potentially love.
It is much more beneficial to be kind and compassionate in order to get what you want, as that creates a greater willingness to listen and adapt.
4. TO AVOID GUILT, GUILT, AND DEVIATION
Another damaging way that angry silence or outbursts can be used in a marriage is to deviate from the topic that is being raised. In my marriage counseling sessions this comes up a lot, where one person makes a complaint about something they would like to change and instead of being heard as well, their partner turns around and blames them, either for the way they said it or because of the way he said it. pushes back attacking charges. Anger to avoid, deflect, or blame will not save a marriage, it will crush it and no one will be able to be heard. It may help to sit down and agree with your spouse the difference between retaliation and standing up for yourself, the latter should never hurt the person and retaliation does.
You may be wondering how this can help me with my marriage, well, if you both learn to recognize the root of your anger, show remorse, and try to make amends, you’ll be well on your way to saving your marriage by acknowledging where it’s coming from. from and why is the first key step to change. The next steps are looking for ways to cool down, spotting and changing your triggers, and tips to stop it now, which I’ll cover later.